The Caretaker

Are you nurturing, kind, and giving? Do you care for others at the expense of your own health, leaving your needs neglected? Do you often feel that people take advantage of your kind giving nature? Do you give but feel you don’t get from others in return? If so, you are likely an emotional caretaker. You feel joy and a sense of satisfaction from caring for others, but all while longing for your own needs to be met.

Many become emotional caretakers in childhood. They learn early on I can receive love if I prove my worth and value by loving others first. Often there were emotional expectations parents selfishly placed on them to meet their needs, in turn making them an emotional servant. Caretakers feel valued when they are sacrificing who they are to serve others. If this is you, you may be uber responsible feeling that it is your duty to help and be there for others. You predict or anticipate other’s needs but are unable to articulate your own.  Loyalty to others but denial to self is the underlying theme.

Caretakers feel guilty when they can’t meet other’s needs or expectations. They have difficulty saying NO for fear they may be disappointing another.  However, underneath much of their helping is resentment. The issue is, caretakers need love and attention therefore they give in hopes of getting it. Caretakers learn to replace their own needs with the shallow fulfillment in caring for others. My needs are their needs.

How this actually hurts the receiver:

Receivers learn to take advantage of givers, functioning as takers or manipulators. They may also become dependent on them. Additionally, the caretaker may use their giving as a form of manipulation or expect ‘repayment’ for all they do. This is especial dangerous if you are expecting ‘repayment’ from a child.  Because of your efforts and sacrifice you may expect the child to love, obey, agree and emotionally serve you.  This is abusive. It is unrealistic to expect a child to be able to meet your emotional needs. It is often how emotional caretakers are created.

What can help:

• Practice responding to your body. ie. Go the restroom when your body tells you to. Take time to eat when you body is hungry. Don’t skip breaks at work. Avoid caring for your work more than the body that’s performing the work!  Many caretakers override their own physiological needs! Learn to listen and respond to You 1st.

• Get honest about why you are serving others at your own expense. What void are trying to fill?

• Rehearse the Personal bill of rights. I have a right to say No, I have a right to determine my own priorities, I have the right to my own needs for personal space and time.

• Clearly state what your needs are to a trusted adult that is able to assist you in meeting this need, or at least validate your right to have it met.