The mask of perfectionism
Whose Behind The Perfectionist
Being a high achiever, having a drive to perform with high standards offers many rewards including financial, praise, advancement or high esteem from others. However, most if not all these accolades are what others say about us not what we inherently believe for ourselves. Praise and appreciation is sought from external sources ie. work, research, parenting etc. Perfectionist often feel they are not quite good enough unless they are doing, saying or responding in a way that pleases others. They often cope with not feeling good enough by procrastinating. If I delay, over-analyze, over-prepare, and wait until I have everything in order then and only then will I be ready. This often provides a great mask to an emotional wound. A lack of validation and acceptance are at the root of perfectionism. They may not like or accept me unless I am performing. It keeps others praising and nodding to what we can do while internally we disapprove and question who we are. Human Doing vs Human Being at its best! Somewhere along the way you’ve received messages, likely from childhood, that you or your emotions, opinions, fears, thoughts, ie. the core you…. weren’t all that important. This of course drives the psyche to cope by getting much needed emotional care from what we do and how well we do it. It helps to hide and conceal that wound from the rest of the world, but keeping a wound covered too long delays healing.
What can help:
Identify any fears of failure, judgement and/or being exposed. Acknowledge the shame (negative evaluation of yourself).
Separate the risk of making a mistake from I Am a mistake.
Identify where that self-rejection comes from. Whose voice is it really? Begin where you are working %100 with who you are. Start off small, you don’t have to have or be a final product when you are starting.
Finally identify your main goal for what you do. Do you show up for work to have others applaud or like you or is it to make a difference? Do you parent to have perfect children or healthy well-adjusted ones? Is it your goal to have the most visited social media site or to obtain a consistent solid following to sustain your livelihood. What Is your Why?