Why do those with an anxious style seem to complain so much?

Anxious (anxious ambivalent) attachment is characterized by a longing for close intimate relationships while simultaneously fearing that they can never truly have it. They fear that their partner or close other will not be able to fully meet their need for closeness and thus may dismiss any forms of connection or love that’s not presented in a way that they feel is right.

 As children the anxious ambivalent often had a caregiver who provided love and attention but in an inconsistent manner to where is became difficult to predict when care would be available.  As a result, the young child learned to continue crying and making its needs known as to increase the likelihood that they will get the necessary attention. The consistent crying and attention seeking in childhood could be compared to complaining in adulthood. The anxious adult easily notices anything they consider wrong or imperfect in their spouse or partner. They are sensitive and often misread cues and communication as a threat to the relationship. There is  constant worry that the other will leave or not attune to their needs or in other words be inconsistent with care. Complaining and noticing slight imperfections in the other is often an effort to keep the alarm going so that their partner won’t miss a beat in staying aware of what they need to feel safe and connected. This is not a useful way to communicate and can often be very taxing on their partner. Instead the anxious would need to practice trusting and making their needs known in a productive way while allowing their partner or close other to adjust and make changes.